Trauma

Coming to terms with how we really do pre plan our experiences before we come to earth.. before we are filtered through the limbo Net Flix has been a perfect last shock for me, to pull myself toGETher... Simply speaking we wont make it through if we are still living for others, untrue with out self acknowledgment and a perfect inner balance, I find myself now in an empty house, he's gone, everything was designed to make me dependent, where as i once ran my life completely i let the reins go, again, i acted exactly like i was meant to, again... to feed the story being fed to others, as always after an extreme abusive toxic relationship, we are left wondering what ever it was that hit us, I take full responsibility and i am grateful to this last gatekeeper, showing me my natal Saturn Retrograde, conjunct my Sun, my true Saturn passage to hit the crown, was my last relationship, other people act out, who we are, until we become that part of ourselves.... planets are played out by others..... I have had many flashes to my childhood and to how my last partner comforted me, because my idea of love is to be controlled isolated just as i was as a child, separated from my brother, father and my entire blood family, all my friends were bad, my company was bad, My Mother broke up all my friendships, no one ever knew what i was living with her, not even myself... flashbacks to my childhood,my rabbit and how i was told of her death and bazil an ugly lost dog i saved, that was beaten by my mothers ex and was taken from me while i was at school to never be seen again, anyone or anything i became attached to was taken from me, why i was married off at 17 and at 16 i had no more home to call my own, everything was taken from me, including my last dream home... i can see how and why so many people have looked at me as they do, why i bee hived as i did, why i was treated with so much anger and hate for no reason from so many people, distrust and confusion, now my whole tone has changed as i have at last cut the cord, i have had the courage to see i was been prodded like a cow to react in certain ways it really is ridiculous how people pleasers unconsciously do what is wanted from us, why people phoned me so worried about me, they were being force fed a twisted reel AL ity... why everyone fell into the game and why i was pushed to my limits to such an extreme, people judged me, attacked me for no reason, ive had life death experiences on a regular basis, the trauma came in flows, up and down, but every time the next trauma was bigger than the last, until my body couldn't take it anymore, i was falling unconscious frequently this past year... this time last year i missed the only opportunity to meet over 100 people of my family at my fathers funeral party, i dont know my family cause i was married off at 17, and moved to France, now i see the whole thing was planned, we went away for a week, but my partner knew it was for 2 weeks, not one, as i was told... i didnt have my passport with me for we were to come home before, everything was calculated and its impossible for pure people to imagine such a depth of strategic calculation, i did everything to send the remembrance books, i had prepared i wanted so much to meet my family and friends, to BE THERE i fell unconscious the day of the party, the books i had sent by emergency never got there, I knocked myself out as i fell and this whole past year has been terrifying to say the least, but i never got just why, until the events of Honey then happy s death... This whole experience is going to help me in my work because i could never have become the astrologer i am without these last experiences and chance to self observe myself and wheel, who i am and WHY i had to live the experiences i have AGAIN and AGAIN ... Its not completely over yet but the fact that i SEE means i am now untouchable and i will begin to just think about myself, my talents to be of service to OTHERS and being the best Mother and Grandmother and friend and to cherish what i wanted more than anything else, my community here.... https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10155998895461036&set=a.44971721035&type=3&theater